They Have All Grown Up

Becca in Argentina this past January.

There is one question I never get from a male medical student or resident.  It’s not that I discourage open conversation about almost any topic, but it just doesn’t seem to be on their minds.  However, this question is almost always a topic for discussion with the female students and resident trainees.  The question?   “Can you be a surgeon and still have children and a family life?”

There are many ways to handle that question.  The logistics, the philosophical, the practical and the impact on one’s life and career are but a few of the issues that come to mind. And, of course, the answer will vary depending on the values, abilities and needs of the person asking.  This is a very complex subject and certainly not reasonably answered in a single blog post.

Why bring up the subject?  Our youngest, Becca turns 21 years today.  Happy Birthday!  And with this specific birthday we no longer have any dependent children.  We have no legal obligation of responsibility for their behavior and actions. We can no longer claim them on our income tax forms.  In a blink of an eye they have all grown up. 

This was not accomplished without the many, very special people who helped.  A lot. We always had full time, live-in help since both of us were on call frequently, often every other week for the entire week.  Getting called out at the same time with young children at home asleep could be difficult.  And it was not infrequent that both of us would be called away at the same time.  But only once was there a “crisis” when I did not have help in the house and thought I would take a chance when my husband was at a conference out of town.  As luck would have it, I was called in for a post-tonsillectomy bleed.  So I woke Dana and Jeremy and put them in the car at 2 a.m.  They were 6 and 4.  Becca was not yet born.  When we arrived at the hospital, I planted them on the couches in the OR lounge and told them to watch TV and stay put.  They did.  And I took care of the patient and then we all went home and back to bed.  I don’t think they remembered the incident although they know the story well.

I tell the women who think about having children that you will make choices sometimes to forego some of their school activities or maybe not be there for every milestone.  I don’t remember when my children took their first step, said their first word, or first defiantly told me “no!” during their terrible twos.  But I have many memories of fun family time, reading books, giving baths, having fights over going to services, or practicing their piano.  Sound familiar?

So how did they turn out?  Well, they all made it to college, and Becca has only one more year to go.  The others are busy in their lives.  We have frequent contact and see them often enough.  None has chosen to return to Buffalo.  I sometimes think wistfully about them as young children, adolescents and older teens.  When this happens, I whip out the cell phone and try to call or text (they tell me email is passé).  If I am lucky they will pick up and have time to talk.  Sometimes they call us just to chat.  We look forward to the holidays or trips when we all make the effort to see one another.

I feel very lucky that we have three healthy, well-adjusted children.  I often joke that if I had stayed home with them, they might not have turned out so well.  So, you see, no matter what it is that you personally decide to do with your life, if you are really successful at being a parent, one day those children will go off and have lives of their own.  And those kinds of dreams can come true for female surgeons, too.