Creating a Family Care Giver: How We Did It

Remember Jane and Michael Banks, of Mary Poppins fame? They hopefully sing to their parents their version of a perfect British nanny. “If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition….play games, all sorts.” Contrast their hopes with the realities of their mother’s busy schedule fighting for women’s rights while staunchly supporting her husband, in his role as the undeniable master of his life and theirs. What was, and continues to be, so poignant about this deliciously dysfunctional family is that it is no different from all of our own families. We all have our wishes, our needs and our points of view. And rarely, except in the fairy tales of movies, do they intersect well enough that we are all happy all of the time and all of our needs are met.

Here is how we did it.

First, we started with the assumption that the perfect person does not yet exist. The operative word is “yet.” It takes time and a lot of communication, even about the seemingly smallest of things, like how you like to store left-overs, or what you consider the best position to feed the baby or to what music/games/TV you want the child exposed. Naptimes, meal times, and other child oriented activities were part of the day that included care to your home (and you) as well. Yes, if you could do all this if you stayed home, so can a person you hire take on those responsibilities.

You should be direct and concrete in what you want and what you expect. Ambiguity leaves room for misinterpretation. Making a schedule helps to keep expectations aligned with reality. In our home, daily chores were listed and then special tasks were assigned days. Mondays the linens were changed and laundry was done. Tuesday was market day. And you get the picture. Fridays the house was prepared specially for Shabbat. I took time every Friday afternoon to get filled in on what was needed and to talk about what was happening the next week. (And except when we had guests, our caregiver was at dinner with us to highlight how much we considered her a part of the family).

As in any job, you have to give that person enough resources to do what needs to be done. As the kids got older, they became part of the resources. Young children can set and clear the table. They can help fold laundry. They can pick up toys, make their beds and take out the garbage as they get older. Having a family caregiver does not mean raising spoiled children. So be prepared to make this a work in progress. If marketing, errands or schlepping the children to lessons or friends are part of your needs, then transportation (carpools or delivery services) should be arranged. (It wasn’t always so easy. One mother would not allow her daughter to come to play or to be driven by our family care giver. That friendship did not last for our daughter or us. Nothing is perfect.)

Even after 28 years, the last 19 with the same family care giver, we are still making adjustments (although we talk in short hand and our needs are more often than not anticipated.) Although we no longer have children living at home, we still have the challenges of keeping in touch, preparing for visits, and running a home that has lots of stuff going on. Sonia often speaks to the children, and they like telling her about their lives. When we don’t have time to lend an ear just at a certain moment, Sonia always does. And sometimes that is all that is needed. We are all unique and special, but it is just not possible for two very busy people, who also need some time to unwind and to relax at the end of the day, at the end of each week, to “do it all.”

Next up: Where and how to look for that not yet perfect family care giver.