The Zen of Flexibility Part 2: Family Care–A New Concept for the Working Woman

Flexibility is a learned habit. First, it takes courage to break out of rigid societal and personal expectations and become more flexible in your role as “headmistress” of a busy family. Second, it requires insight and then careful planning so that you (and the people you love) feel comfortable, cared for, safe and loved.

There are endless numbers of tasks to care for a family of only one. This number multiplies when the family also includes a spouse, certainly children, and maybe a pet or two or three. When parents seek a career outside of the home, child care weighs upon them most heavily. But if f taking care of children was all that there was to taking care of a family, life would be much less stressful.

The reality of the situation is that child care, though a very important part of family life, is not the only care that the family requires. We, as a society, have been focusing too narrowly on what is needed to achieve work-life integration. It’s the entire family who needs the care. Yes, the mommy and the daddy as well as the baby.

I first internalized this concept, learned a long time ago from my friend Dr. Diane Chalal, a psychiatrist married to a radiologist with three children all about a year or two ahead of ours, when we had our first child. At that time, I didn’t realize how revolutionary a concept “family care” is.

Child care is an important concern. But thinking only about child care is limited and limiting. Think about it. You take your child to a daycare or homecare center. Your child is well cared for, but are you? Forget about the preparations to pack and stock the daycare center with the “essentials” not to mention the niceties. Forget about the worries of increased ear infections, or G-d forbid, the unmonitored minor neglect of one child for the screams of another. Forget about a schedule that is tailored to meet the needs of so many and not your child alone. And forget about the race to pick her up before closing time.

No wonder so many women who want to have a demanding career and children, too, are torn. This worry saps their energies. The worry is enough to wear you down and make many say, “this isn’t worth it.” But if there were another way…

I believe there is another way. I am calling it “family care.” Bring another person to the home to help give family care. “We haven’t the money.” Not a good excuse. Even when we were residents in training, living on the meager of salaries, squished into a 900 square foot apartment in Manhattan, we set our priorities to make sure that the care of our entire family was top priority. Our disposable income did not go into clothing, cars, entertainment centers, vacations or other less important material benefits we have all come to expect without thought. Instead we found someone who would work full time in our household including child care. Our energies went into making this person part of our family.

There is no doubt in my mind that this model is successful. In the last 28 years we have had only 3 family care givers. The first two stayed in our lives for many years after they stopped working for us. (One to raise her own family; one found her age unable to keep up with 3 toddlers and a busy household.) And even after the children have long gone into their own lives, Sonia our present family care giver, a most wonderful woman soon to be 70 years old, is entering her 18th year as part of our family.

I know of no better way to gain flexibility in your life at home and in the workplace than to engage one or more wonderful people to provide you with family care. Sometimes it is a family member; other times it is (at first) a stranger who will eventually work their way into your lives and into your hearts. Housekeeping, errands, shopping, cooking and childcare are all blended. Caring for you and the home you all live in is as important as caring for the children. Even after the kids are grown, you have needs. A demanding career outside of the demanding life of caring for a family, yourself, and your home, demands the attention of more than one already too busy person.

My mantra? “Where can I find help?” I don’t really need to do everything myself, and I deserve to be cared for as well. Let go of the unrealistic expectations of others and find greater tranquility (or at least less distress) as you begin your practice of the zen of flexibility.